I am back from my "hiatus" -- healing from a broken arm (second in a year) -- but I am not sure how "pithy" my comments will be...
I was thinking today about a comment my son made recently. He said that since I was both Mom and Dad (a name he combined as either Dom or Mad -- depending on the day), he felt that he should probably have gotten me a Father's Day present. I was thrilled that he recognized that I was doing the work of two parents (not everyone gets that).
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner -- to not have to do this alone. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago when I spent a nice, long weekend with my sibs and my parents. All are married and all have wonderful partners. Two things came to mind -- I have never really had a partner, even when I was married. I did the lion's share in my marriage. So I don't really know what a true partnership would look like for me. AND (because I tend to like to do things my own way) there actually are aspects of being a single parent that I like: making my own financial decisions (deciding how to spend and save my money), making my own decisions about maintaining my house or raising my kids. (Was that a case of the grass appearing greener?)
I was emphatically reminded during that weekend -- when I was feeling a bit sorry for myself -- that I have a nice life. And I wholeheartedly agree -- but single parenting is not for wimps. Sometimes (many times) it is exhausting and hard (granted not as hard as raising four boys on a nurse's salary...) -- and based on how well my kids are doing (people comment on what good kids they are) -- totally worth it.
My 10-year-old son stayed home sick today with a migraine. This situation is really tough for a single working mom, and I did not handle it very well. "What do you mean you are sick? Are you sure? I have meetings today; try and get up." Poor little guy -- turns out he really was sick. Not surprisingly I was able to rearrange and reschedule most of my meetings. And I planned on working from home on other projects. But after almost two hours of trying, with tech support from work, I could not get my computer to function. So I relaxed at home -- my son's sick day turned out to be a luxury for me. I apologized profusely to him for not handling myself well -- and silently thanked him for my gift of time.
I love the commercials with the big, red
"easy" button. (I cannot even remember what is being advertised.) I would love to have an easy button -- for pretty much every aspect of my life. Since I realize that that is as much of a
fairy tale as the knight on a white horse coming to save the day... I have decided that I need to find ways to make things easy for myself. Here are a few things that I have come up with:
It is
OK to say no -- life is easier with
fewer (unnecessary)
commitments. (Much better than saying yes and not being able to follow through.)
It is
OK to say yes to offers of help -- even if it is paid help. The same guy has been aerating and fertilizing my yard for years. One less thing to think about.
It is
OK to let the housework/yardwork go in order to make time for more important things -- like kids, exercise, friends, family, dinner, reading, working, playing, etc.
If you are going to have people over and therefore you have to do some house cleaning, plan a number of gatherings at your house around the same weekend, so you get more use out of the cleaning. And then maybe it won't be your turn for awhile.
I love how the snow covers the yard so lack of recent yardwork is masked... nature's easy button.
Any other suggestions out there?
Sometimes maintaining is good enough. In fact, if you think about it, maintaining is more than "good enough." For me, maintaining includes washing seven or eight loads of laundry per week and dishes daily. It means keeping the kids fed and the kitchen stocked (well enough), getting the bills paid, straightening the house, keeping the car running (even if I wait more than 5,000 miles between oil changes). On top of that, I work 40+ hours per week (plus the commute), swim or work out a few times a week, spend time with friends and family, read books, papers and magazines, take care of school/doc appointments, taxi kids around, etc. etc. etc. If it sounds exhausting, it is. Maintaining also means that I get some sleep :-)
I am learning not to be so hard on myself if I cannot get to the bigger projects right now -- like painting rooms in my house or even organizing my office. I am learning to accept compliments -- when I hear stuff like "That's amazing; I don't know how you do it all." I say "Thanks," and keep myself from pointing out that my carpets and closets have not been cleaned in years. I also am learning to accept help (thanks H. for cutting my 6' weeds and mowing my backyard) without feeling too guilty or too beholden... (well not quite, but I am working on it).
So "maintaining is more than good enough" has become my new mantra...
Being a single parent is incredibly difficult, so avoid it if you can. (Though I do know from personal experience that sometimes it is the best choice.)
One of the things that I find particularly challenging is
taking care of appointments -- mine and the kids -- while trying to work. Think about it -- annual wellness visits, twice annual dentist appointments, eye doctor visits, orthodontist (monthly or more). And that is just for two kids. Add to that my own appointments -- which this year included frequent visits to the surgeon who fixed my wrist and two weekly visits to the physical therapist -- and I felt like I was spending more time in doctors' waiting rooms than in my office. (I won't even go into vet appointments for the cats or school-related appointment. Who has time to work?)
Try and simplify. I did finally switch the kids to local dentist and doctors. Adding the almost two-hour commute to the kids' dentist appointments -- as much as we loved the dentist -- just did not seem worth it after awhile. I've also arrange it so that my folks have my consent to take the kids to appointments and get needed medical information in return.
For awhile I was trying to get all their appointments
scheduled for the summer so that school was not disrupted too much. But ended up disrupting too much work in a short period of time. So know I try and spread the appointments out over the year.
Appointments will always be a part of parenting -- if I find more ways to make it easier, I will let you know.
This one will be quick, as I have more questions than answers... I am trying to figure out how to
combine being a full-time single mom with dating. It was much easier to date/be in a relationship when the kids would visit their dad every weekend. I could separate the two parts of me -- mom and woman. But the separation did not ultimately feel right (what a concept to be able to merge the two).
My kids are old enough now that I can leave them to go out occasionally, so the real question is about
what to tell them and when. I try to keep my personal life to myself around them (though at 13 -- and a half -- my daughter is astute enough to figure some things out).
And what if the dating
leads to a relationship? How does that all fit together? If I figure it out, I will let you know.
As I see it, there are different levels of single parenting. When I was first divorced (five years ago today, actually), my kids' dad had them every other weekend -- 24 hours from Saturday to Sunday. At first, I did not quite know how to be on my own. But I soon "got a life." I was able to reconnect with my fabulous friends and family. Every other week did not seem like much time at all. It evolved into every Friday evening and every other weekend. So for one day a week, I did not have to rush home from work to pick the kids up from day care. I could actually hang out half the night in Jim and Judy's hot tub.
I felt awful for my friends who had no break -- who were
full-time moms all the time, 24/7, with kids who were too young to be left alone -- even for a few minutes for a trip to the corner store for milk. I was (and still am) amazed at their strength and abilities. I saw it as overwhelming, and I did not know how they did it. I was able to
not be a mom for a while every week. I was able to get into a relationship (and go for motorcycle rides to Estes on a whim). That life lasted for a couple of years, and we all adjusted well. And I was getting child support -- life was really good.
About a year and a half ago, all that came to an end -- my relationship ended, child support ended and my kids' weekends with their dad ended. And it has taken a long time to adjust. I've had to learn what it means to be a full-time single mom. Fortunately now my daughter is old enough to watch her 10-year-old brother once in awhile. I am starting to get some much needed breaks.
I have friends who
split their kids' time equally with their exes (one week here and one week there -- or some variation on that). On one level I envy that -- and the ability to have time to myself. But on another level, I like the fact that I am the only person making decisions about my kids, and that they don't have to adjust to two different environments and different rules.
Another friend's
kids visit her grandparents for the summer, so she is either full-time mom or full-time not. Since I don't know this scenario first hand, I am guessing that it would take some adjusting each time the kids left and each time they came back.
I guess no matter what the situation, we adjust and adapt. That seems to be the one constant.
